Sometimes when I look into the fridge and can't decide what to eat I get overwhelmed. It doesn't have anything to do with what I'll actually eat. What overwhelms me is the fact that if I can't even decide what to snack on, how am I ever going to be able to make sense of these conflicts bouncing around in my head right now. As a lot of people know, I have been actively seeking a volunteer assignment with the Peace Corps for about the past year. I'm about three months and 10 cholesterol points from reaching that goal right now.
But I've recently been ambushed by some incredibly strong desires that have set up camp in direct conflict with plans I've made for myself...I mean really ambushed. I've always been aware of that tiny hole tucked away somewhere in my life that's meant be filled with the companion God has planned for me. I just never put that much thought into it. Well, apparently it's put some thought into me lately, and that tiny hole feels like a gaping chasm right now. I've started to ache for that woman in my life, that complementary piece, the soulmate that my mother has prayed God would send me every night since the day I was born. And I wonder if i can stand this constant nagging of loneliness for the next 2 years. I have this intense desire to venture into the world outside our American bubble and share some of the incredible bounty my god has blessed me with. I mean, I'm a twentysomething, white, college educated, American male with advantages that 99% of the world's population can only dream of. I want an experience of reckless enthusiasm, to be filled with righteous confidence in my mission. I want a story that I can look back on some day and wonder, "was I ever that bold", and at the same time ask, "how did I ever consider not doing that?" I want to shatter the diecast product my life has become. I want to go somewhere where people can't believe what just moved in next door. Simply put, I want, no I need an adventure. But I have this tragic loneliness, this unsolicited yearning for my wife. I don't want to sleep alone anymore, as a friend put it. I know these feelings can only be from the one in control of it all because I didn't ask for them, not right now. And I have faith that He will take me where He wants me. I just wish I had the ticket in my hand with a departure date and time, destination and number of companions with names printed on it.
Here are a few of the questions I've been wrestling with lately. I guess they represent the options I feel like I have. They're probably not mutually exclusive or collectively exhaustive but this is what I'm thinking about right now.
Should I go to Morocco for 27 months?
Should I go to Dubai with my buddy and live there for a year, just to get away for a while?
Should I cash out my 401K, take the tax penalty, pay off my student loan and jump into a life of full time service to God with no debts but no certainty about my financial future?
I just wish all I had to figure out was what to pull out of the refrigerator. I'm not even hungry anymore.
