Kinda makes me wonder what else I don’t realize I miss about home. I think I prevent myself from craving lots of things by avoiding them mentally. I probably did it actively when I first got here and now do it subconsciously through repetition. Maybe it’s a coping mechanism or something. I guess I just know that I don’t live in America anymore and I can’t afford to think about the things that I could really miss.
You know, it’s weird. I don’t have access to any of the comforts of the Western world and the food here leaves something to be significantly desired, but for the first time in my life I am satisfied. Really. That’s not to say I don’t desire things for my life, things like a family and…well, I think a family is all I really want. But I mean I don’t constantly ponder what I don’t have and what I think I need. Maybe it’s robust American advertising that creates in us the false insecurity that insists it can be sated by consumption. Maybe contentment with little is a natural characteristic of our psyche and being in a place where “little” is all that’s available has brought me back to that natural state. Maybe it’s the fact that I live in a place where you can see first hand that we as Americans really are more wealthy than 99% of the world’s population. Maybe it’s easy to appreciate the advantages that I’ve had when so many people around me don’t have, will never have, anything similar. Or maybe I’m just growing up (but I doubt it ☺). Whatever the reason, it’s a fantastic feeling to be SATISFIED.
At the risk of triggering a deluge of cravings, I wonder what else I am missing about home and don’t realize. I guess I miss driving on asphalt and covering 45 miles in like 30 minutes. Then again, I bet if I was back in the US I’d miss driving a four wheeler to the Eritrean restaurant in town for njera and tibs or spaghetti. Grass is greener kind of thing I guess. And really, what’s the reason to get so far so fast? What’s 45 miles away from me that I need so badly to get to? If NC had dirt roads with pot holes (I wish…more like mud pits) instead of pavement maybe we would live closer to each other, in tighter community where we don’t only see our favorite people for a couple hours in the evening after work. I guess my mind has wandered into the front yard of the popular discussion that sounds something like, “Are we really better off being ‘better off’?” That’s not really where I want to go. Though I have thoughts on the subject that I would NEVER have entertained a year and a half ago, that’s not my point. Honestly, I don’t know what my point is. I’m only sort of meandering through the saplings of a newly planted forest of consciousness. It’s just that I’m curious to figure out what else I’ve sealed off from the forefront of my mind like schizophrenia.
Yesterday I thought I noticed the faint scent of decaying leaves and I realized how much I miss wandering through NC mountain trails. I guess I miss a lot of things about my home but I’m content not to dwell on them right now. Can you believe that? I almost can’t. But I’m confident I’ll appreciate those things all the more when next they’re reality and not merely reminiscence. Until then I’ll be satisfied with stripping sweet corn cobs. Oh this incredible sweet corn!
2 comments:
Besser, you have no idea how lucky you are to have a feeling of contentment like that - I'm envious. We should all be so lucky.
It's so easy to get trapped by consumerism and the American dream in a society that values independence, social displays of status, and trying to one-up the rest of the world.
thanks for the post matt. it's true. i don't know how we get around it...
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